His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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