I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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