Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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