I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
