The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
