I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
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