Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
