my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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