Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
