last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's rum buckets o'clock
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
