you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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