I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
