when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
