i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
