Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
