I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
