Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Someone stole a lamp last night.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
