A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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