i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
