Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
