why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
