eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
