Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
