I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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