He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
