I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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