i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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