I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
