I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
