You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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