You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
