Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
