a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
We are all done wearing pants today
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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