i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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