you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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