So drunk its hurt
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize