she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
