Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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