I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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