Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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