you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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