My Higher Power is John Stamos
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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