I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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