I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
