i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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