new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
