in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
