I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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