i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
