is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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