if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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