Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
