So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
