so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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