I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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