Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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